showing yer hand

i (kinda) miss thinking 

(about) (how much) i love you

tha perverse (obstinate) part 

of me wantsta say

i dont need yore permission 

to love you

(or anyones)

and (technically) thats true

but im so averse (at this stage) 

to (not) wanting 

any thing the other person 

does(nt) want

that i haven’t touched 

my wife in yeers

(ive trained my self 

(perhaps (a little) too) well)  ?

and (apparently) (somewhat) against 

my (own) (occasional) will)

my indoctrination (now) extends

to (not) loving you (or others)

who (really) have no wish

for me to love them

so (of course) im 

(somewhat) stuck

(yet again)

telling my self to 

(at least) try

(not) to think

about you

(but) then the self flagellation 

masquerading as (a sense of) humor

(in the face of emotional distress)

pricks at me

wanting to know

is telling yore self

(not) to think about her


(not) thinking about her ?


yer smirk fails

ta dismiss tha hurt

(entirely)


experience says

dont touch tha wound

(let it be)


but you dont listen


now do you  ?


listening has (never) been

yore strong suit


yore (always) too busy

showing yore hand


ta any body 

(who happens ta be)


looking

  deal me in

ya ever wonder to yore self 
what (might) would happen if 
you (just) kept on doing 
whatcha wanta do ?