mouth agape

the other night in buddha class

we got to tha part on karma

(of course tha (real) problem is
that i been in them classes 
for fifteen yeers now and i (still)
pull all tha shit i pull)

(but thats a pome for another day)

(how many times have i 
had these (vairey) teachings ?!)

(i coulda rightly wondered))

fuckity fuck fuck yall.  ya know ?

anyway(s), we got ta tha line
about once we have conviction
in tha law of karma we will

have a natural dread of 
our non-virtuous actions

and when i heard tha monk
read those lines it was (just)
like my fuckin mouth 
fell tha fuck open (!)

it was like i had
never (even) heard (or read) 
them wirds before

it was (just) like i didnt have
three older editions of
tha same fuckin book
with those (vairey) wirds
underlined starred and circled
sittin on tha shelf at home

it was (just) like i had ta sit thaire
with my tired old mouth agape

wondering (to my self)
whut tha fuck (!)
whaires (!) my natural dread
of my (own) negative actions  !?!?

i mean, honestly, i walk around
this motherfucker like i aint 
sceared a shit, ya know ?!

(prolly ‘cause ima (kinda) sraight white dood
with a decent job, but thats a pome for a 
different day too, now aint it ?)

todays pome is all about
that shock’a recognition
when i saw (all) too clearly

that (despite my yeersa study)
i dont (truly) have conviction in karma

i mean, not tha kinda conviction

that can (actually) overcome
my (own) tendency ta thinkin 
mean shit about peepholes
who are fuckin up thaire own
karma in ways that should

(technically) engender nothing
if not unbearable compassion
in my dumb as shit fuckin heart

ya know ?

i mean (if i believe in karma)
what tha fuck do i think 
is gonna happen to those
dumb fucks shootin babies
and shit ?

i mean, whats  tha karmic consequence
of treatin peepholes like shit
because a tha color of thaire skin
or thaire religious beliefs
or thaire sexual orientation
or thaire country a origin  ?!

i mean, whats tha karmic consequence 
of being a ass(w)hole all yer life ?!

whats tha karmic consequence of holdin
malice and hate (fer any body) 
deep inside yer heart

is what im s’posed ta be askin
each and every time
meanness blossoms in my heart

but thats not what happens...now is it ?

so what does happen ?

pretty sure thaires a good bit’a 
self righteous justification
swirling ‘round that ol’ hearta mine

every time i stir up
some good ol hatred
in my blood 

and (jist) let it
run its course

because it feels 
so frickin good
ta be angry

now dont it ?

i mean, fuck.
anger feels about
a thousand times better

than dumb ol compassion
(especially for assholes)

dont it ?

i mean, who (really) wantsta
have compassion for murderers
and rapists and molesters ?!

gawd i love ta hate easy targets

its (just) so much easier
(and funner !) ta hate a 
motherfucker whose (so)
clearly done wrong 
ta someone, aint it ?

so much easier (and funner !)
to generate some good ol fashioned

ill will and hatred and malice
for folks who clearly
got nothin but ill will 
and hatred and malice
in thaire own hearts

aint it ?

ya ever sewed them seeds

of hatred and malice and anger

in yer own heart before ?

ya ever wonder how that shit might feel ?

i dont hafta wonder (honestly)

that shit comes natural

when i watch tha news

or read tha stories

or see tha pictures 
of what folks is doing
on tha innernet

that shit comes

so much (more) natural

than (any) dread

of feelin anger

of feelin hatred

of feelin malice

or ill will in my (own) heart

its (almost) like

i caint (even) see

tha mirror held up

to my own face

when that shit takes over

ya know ?

it just feels

so good and delicious

to other them folks

for otherin other folks

who othered other folks

i mean, got damn (!)

sometimes it (even)

(almost) feels like when

i usta smoke crack

cause that shit

felt like lightning in tha heart

gawd, i was (so) fuckin sure

i was right about everything

ya ever smoked tha crack 

of self righteous indignation

before ?

that shit’ll getcha hooked

sneaky as anything

(if ya aint watchin out)


(fer what yer hearts doing)


with a kinda dread that comes

from an all out conviction

that tha shit you run with

in yer heart

is gonna come back on ya

a thousand times harder

in life after life after life...


pretty sure thats how

peepholes in camps

have great grandchildren

who think nothin

of killin folks babies


and makes an old ass(w)hole

like me 


wonder (just) whaire

this shits gonna end


if (even) i caint stop

being angry in my heart


after all these yeers

of studying karma


with my mouth wide open

in surprise


at what my heart 

(still) does


(so) naturally...


like i aint (never)

read nothin about
how karma works
before


ya know ?


its like i (just)

dont get it

and i see


clear as shit


how i still 

dont get it


and it (kinda)

makes me sceared

that (may be) i

wont (ever) get it


ya know  ?


i mean,

when am i (actually)

gonna lurn ta respond

to a situation (out thaire)

with a heart

that (actually) 

makes sense ?!


thats tha kinda shit

i hafta wonder

(most) all tha time


i sure as shit hope

you know better

what ta do 

with yer (own) heart


than i know 
what ta do 
with mine


no matter what

you believe

(or dont believe)


ya know ?



lord.


thinkin bout prayin fer everybody

and seein' if that chainges anything


caint remember if things chainged

tha last time i prayed


guess (may be) we'll find (tha fuck) out



love yall.    i (really)(think i)  do.