crime and punishment

(even) my worst was (still) (me) trying

*to (all) tha peepholes   who woulda (mighta) loved me
(if thay didnt know   nothing about me)    sorry.



(of course) things

(just) got fucked up

(idnt that how shit happens) (?)

id like ta say

it was (probly) (all) tha acid

or (may be) tha yeers of cocaine

but that was (all) yeers ago


(is it (still) in my brain)  ?


i like ta tell my self

how lucky (!) i was

not ta have

(any) (real) trauma

in prison

all those yeers

a few slaps

a few (public) undressings

peepholes looking

in yer asshole

(with a flash light)

to see what was

(not) thaire...


some loneliness

(is all) that can

(really) be called 

(my) trauma

(but) who dudnt

get that in this

unforgetting whirled  ?

(even) in this 

free(r) whorled   ?


(if thaire (actually)

 is such a thing)


(as a free world)



               ********


if nothing else

i can (still) love 

my dogs

my cats

my children

my friends

my contacts

some peeple

i saw on tv

on screens

in picture books

peepholes i saw

in wirds 

 i read

on pages

(and screens)


                ********


i can go

to tha museum(s)

and see (all) them

peepholes that 

(dont) exist

looking at things

that (dont) exist

and i can tell (my self)

i love them


(both the dead 

and those lookin’)


(and) i can stand thaire

(in my museum 

frisson) (prison) (prism)


and pretend i aint

crying from loneliness

(and) from wishing

for things that

(just) arent

(in (my) prisson)


like a idiot

who doesnt 

understand

what he sees


                ********

and yall dont

tell me yer sorry

fer what (all) 

i been threw


(i did (that shit)

to my self) (and)


i dont want ya

ta (be) sorry

i wantcha ta be

some thing

i never been


(or else) (all) this

has been

for nothing


(if ya know

what i mean)



             ********


hold on...! (!)


i think i hear

some one coming  !


i think it (might) be

my jailer i


might have

a visitor (!) or

this (might)

(even) be

tha day 

tha key turns

in tha lock

and i

let my self out

(and)


walk 

free




                  ********


id (really) like ta say

(ta tell my self) (that)

(even) at my worst

thaire was (always)

some thing thaire

tryin(t)a be true

tryin(t)a  be good

tryin(t)a be better

than i had 

(ever) been


(ever)


(and) then i like ta

(try) (ta pretend)

ta forgive my self

(cause (i found)

pretending

is better than 

not pretending)


(at all)


when tha lock turns

help me wish i wasnt pretending